To: All Wards Leaders
From: Chairman Bob
Re: Today's Election
Today is Election Day, my friends, and it is time to rev up the much vaunted
I am not unmindful of the difficulty of the task that lies ahead in the coming hours.
As you know, we have embraced our new brother and fellow Democrat Arlen Specter and must deliver the goods for him. He is counting on Philadelphia to take him over the top and defeat the guy he is running against.
People say to me: Chairman Bob, Specter's going to be a tough sell because we've been spending the last 30 years asking our people to vote against him. What can we tell them now?
I respond: That was then, this is now. Let us embrace change, the way Arlen has. At this point in time, he is a stalwart Democrat, at least for the present.
Besides, he's been extra generous with the street money.
I would also encourage you to support our very own Anthony Hardy Williams for governor. Tony is leader of the Third Ward and a state senator who is running against some party hack from
Surely, you can convince your voters to flick the lever for Tony.
Some have said to me: But, Chairman Bob, this Williams guy is running as a reformer and an outsider. How can we ask our people to vote for a rebel?
I reply: If Tony Williams is a rebel, I am a prima ballerina! If he's an outsider, I'm an Outer Mongolian. Tony is one of our own. That outside the box stuff is dictated by the needs of the modern campaign to be "with it." Trust, me Tony knows what side his bread is buttered on.
And now a special word of encouragement to our African-American brethren from our beloved President, Barack Obama.
The President called me the other day and urged support for Arlene Specter. It turned out to be a robocall, but later I did reach him telephonically and had a personal conversation. "Chairman Bob," he said. "I am counting on your and the Democratic voters of Philadelphia to deliver the goods for Arlen Specter. Unfortunately, I myself will not be able to be there to help rev up turnout. I have another pressing engagement. I must meet with the organic dairy products producers at the White House and receive a bouquet from their newly crowned Grass Fed Dairy Cow Queen, but I will be with you in spirit."
Those are inspiring words, my friends, and I hope you take them to heart. No whining about how "my people" don't like rain. They won't melt. Get them out, early and often.
A final word about the ballot. This year, as always, there is an official ballot of endorsed candidates.
Unlike in previous years, there is only one official ballot. This is the ballot you must use at the polls. Let us not have the repeat of the shenanigans of previous elections when we had the Official Good Democratic Ballot; the Official Black Democratic ballot; the Official Union Democratic ballot, the Official 52nd Ward Democratic ballot, etc. and so forth, ad nauseum and ad infinitum..
This time no strays, no side deals, no wheeling, no dealing.
To help you differentiate, this time we have labeled our official ballot
THE ABSOLUTELY OFFICIAL
DEMOCRATIC BALLOT
ACCEPT NO SUBSTITUTIONS.
ANYTHING
Unfortunately, we ran out of room to put down the candidates' names, so there are only lever numbers. Make sure every voter gets one.
And tell them they are lucky numbers and that if they play them for Powerball they are going to get a big pay out - courtesy of Sen. Specter. Then wink.
That ought to get them to jump to our tune.
Democratically yours,
Chairman Bob
This article was written by Metropolis Senior Editor Tom Ferrick. Chairman Bob has no resemblance to anyone living or dead, especially Bob Brady.