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People Can't Be Erased

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Everyone has seen or come into close contact with that girl.  That bitchy, has-to-have-everything-her-way, let's-you-know-if-she-doesn't-like-you type of girl. I personally know that girl very well because that girl is me

I've gone through not just my fair share of friends, but of entire cliques just trying to fit in, until I decided I was too good for some and not good enough for others.  My habit of constant judgment of character has left me with one thing -- a never-ending feeling being judged by others myself.  I also know that everyone has seen or come in close contact with judgment as well.  Whether it comes from your friends, your family, your boss, your classmates, people on the street, or my personal least favorite -- the dreaded significant other -- judgment happens.

If there is one thing I have gone through quicker than friends it is boyfriends. I have dated almost every type of guy, including just about every race, style and stereotype. Yet, by college this Goldilocks still hasn't settled for the perfect porridge.  That is, until Boy C came along.

breaking-up-297x300.jpgBoy C was not my normal type, or what I assumed my type to be, but something about him was intriguing.  It may have been his different style, or the fact that his parents were still together, but something was telling me to meet this boy, even though he was a senior and I was a sophomore.

After 3 months I officially considered us to be dating and happy about that situation, although he wasn't sure what he wanted to do.  As the age old tale has it, you only want something when you can no longer have it.  I got tired of being strung around and realized I was still 19 and had plenty of time to meet new people.  So I ended things

Needless to say there would be no story here if that were the end.  About a month later he decided he did want a girlfriend and for that girlfriend to be me.  From there we dated for 2 years which included everything from Thanksgiving with his family to his move out to and back from Arizona.  Things however took a turn for the worse as I neared my graduation from college a couple months ago.  Like any relationship, things weren't perfect.  His problem was lying and mine was (rightly) getting mad about it.  Things ended and I decided to try out the rebound. And then the next rebound.  And then the couple of short flings after that.

I have had a boyfriend since I sixth grade and now I was finally single and going to take advantage of that by being emotionally unavailable.  I used to crave the single life when boys became more frustrating than fun and I was enthralled to feel "free".  However, after my couple flings and nights at the bars, I realized it was nice to come home and have someone to talk to.  I didn't want to spend my time looking for someone who was perfect because that someone is impossible to fund. It took 5 months of being single for it to happen, but at the age of 22 I realized that no one, including myself, is perfect. I had to start taking the good with the bad.  So I called up Boy C.

No one thought that a relationship between us could ever work again because of how we acted towards each other.  I heard over and over again that, "He is an ex for a reason."  I have to admit I was beginning to agree but Boy C had a different opinion.  While I was still having mixed feelings about the whole thing, he wrote me a letter and ended it with, "If I could fix everything I have done, I would in a heartbeat to have you back."  This coming from the boy I believed had a heart of ice because he could never show me emotions.  This is what I needed to hear.

This past weekend he planned a day trip to go hiking at Lake Wawayanda in northern New Jersey, electronics free, and it was just what we needed.  I was looking for someone to give me a feeling so strong that I didn't want to look elsewhere for boys or future relationships and that is what he has done all over again.  Things aren't perfect yet, but I have faith that they will b

I write this wanting to share that second chances do exists. Most don't let them happen and that is when they miss out.  People can't be erased.

 

Jes Stamis lives, writes and makes up in Malvern.

                 

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