I've been waiting 10 years for this day and it is finally here. My three darling children are now all in school. That first day was spent drinking coffee for three hours with my fellow parents, jubilant in our freedom, or perhaps just hopped up on caffeine from our lengthy Kaffe Klatch.
Then reality came crashing down when I got home and still had four hours to kill. It was time to do something more productive than drink coffee. It was time to look for a job.
So I logged onto a popular sight that offers many wonderful things; from employment, nifty items for sale, as well as where to meet a six- foot-tall Asian transvestite.
Craigslist has it all.
I was not however, seeking a friendship with those on the fringe of society. So I started perusing for work I might love, perhaps a job where I could read or drink coffee with my friends, or eat ice cream.
I noticed an absence of anything in those fields, so I had to rethink my strategy. 'Home Health Care Aid for the elderly'. I wouldn't mind taking grandma to her doctor's appointments, shopping, or even to the beauty salon to recharge her blue bouffant.
Apparently, the position could also include bathing and the changing of Depends... all for a whopping $8.50 an hour. I am so glad that there are saintly people out there that don't mind doing these intimate tasks, but I am not one of them. It took me 4 frustrating years to get my son out of diapers and I am not going back there.
Reading on, there was a baffling ad for 'Incontinence physical therapist'. What exactly would your duties be? Did they expect you to turn on the tap water and force your patient to hold it? Or were you supposed to tickle the continence challenged folks, all while urging them to cross their legs?
I continued on through the job listing, hoping for something that didn't involve bodily secretions.
How about 'Dining room Captain'? I can picture myself in an assisted living facility, overseeing a dining room swimming with grey hair, all the while wearing a big black hat, epaulets, shiny brass buttons, and swags of gold roping. I'd have a deck to stand on so I could make sure that every last senior ate all of their Jello and didn't fight over the rice pudding in the buffet line.
'Newborn photographer/part time sale' is intriguing, however, I wouldn't be the best candidate for the job because; A: I'm not a newborn, and B: I can't work with anyone who doesn't strictly adhere to child labor laws. But, I am curious as to how they expect an infant to hold a camera when they aren't even able to hold up their heads.
Some of the oddest listings are for medical trials. They're always placed between normal job listings; Secretary, Pre school aid, BIRTH CONTROL PATCH, Cleaning technician, DO YOU SUFFER FROM MENSTRAL MIGRAINES?
It's a bit jolting to see. But I have to admit that I am intrigued as to how I could earn money by wearing a birth control patch, so I read on. 'Put away the pill, and put on an investigational patch. Compensation for time and travel'. Do I have to keep a log of every, um, intimate minute I partake of? No thanks.
But what's this phrase 'investigational patch' mean? It sounds like you'd be like a private detective, with a patch that allows you to investigate. Cool.
"Sir, I have a few questions for you. No, I'm not a police officer, but I have an investigational patch which gives me the right to interrogate you and to also have copious amounts of sex, all while not getting pregnant -- I hope."
I don't know if that's really legal, so maybe not.
Last, but not least is my all time favorite and I swear I am not making this up. 'Sparkly piano teacher wanted for magical music school'. Well, who wouldn't want to work for a magical school? I am a big fan of all those wizardy books and have been dying to have my own magic wand. I don't actually know how to play the piano, but I figure that beginner students would just be happy to learn chopsticks. I also have plenty of glitter in my kids' craft drawer, so I could become incredibly sparkly if I needed to.
Yep, I think this is the job for me. I'll let you know how it turns out.
Christine Waldman scans the job classifieds from Phoenixville.