Milton ♥ Arlene

If I had one wish, it would be that Arlene Ackerman hook up with Milton Street.

I don't know Street's current marital status. I know at one time he had a long-term relationship with a woman who lived in New Jersey.

In fact, Milton lived there with her, which made it touchy a few years back when he decided to run (once again) for the state senate -- in Pennsylvania. If elected, he would have been the only legislator eligible to seek reimbursement for bridge tolls.

But, I disgress. Ackerman is a single woman of a certain age. I think she and Milton would hit it off because, as they say, opposites attract. Milton is an antic guy with a good sense of humor (Remember when he ran for mayor? What a hoot!); Arlene is made of sterner stuff, a charter member of the Frau Blücher school of charm. Do you remember Frau Blucher? This clip may help you recall.

Since Arlene is a millionaire, thanks to the School District of Philadelphia, that makes her quite a catch. The unemployment comp is just the cherry on the cake, so to speak.

Street and Ackerman are alike in that they are that rarest of human species. They lack the capacity to blush. They are shameless, unrepentant and, therefore, made for each other.

Ackerman would help Milton by serving as his bank, so to speak. Warning: Milton has expensive habits and owes more than $1 million in back taxes, so I would be careful in drawing up any pre-nup.

Milton would help Ackerman because, as her, um, consort, he could handle media relations. He is so much better at it. Imagine if we had discovered that Milton had applied for unemployment comp for the time he spent in prison for that back taxes thing.

Would he huff and puff and get all hissy like Ackerman did? Of course not.

Milton would wink and laugh and come up with a couple of good lines, as in: "Whoops, you caught me on that. That's a point for you!"

Or: "I need the money because I am not only unemployed, I am unemployable!."

If we asked him, what did you do with the million, he wouldn't say: "Shut up, I deserved that money!"

He'd say something like: "I always said it was all about the children. And I've got a couple of them myself, so I need that money."

Or, "I'm holding it in escrow in case I need it for bail."

If the media requested an interview, he wouldn't fire back an email saying, as Ackerman did, (in so many words): Go stuff it, you lowlifes.

He would invite us all over for lunch at the Happy Rooster, regale us with stories about how he outmaneuvered the School Reform Commission and Mayor Nutter to get his severance package.

And say something like: "That Nutter. He's living proof than you can fool some of the people all of the time."

Or, regarding the SRC: "I think if you put a mirror under their nostrils it wouldn't steam up."

Or, "I like Bob Archie and the rest of them. They are proof you can function even in a comatose state."

Then, he would saunter out -- and leave us with the check.

I confess, I would enjoy having lunch with Milton Street. I would not enjoy having lunch with Arlene Ackerman. But, as a couple, they could be fun.

Arlene would open up by saying something like: "I hope you are paying for this because I surely am not."

And Milton would do a roll of his eyes.

Arlene would say: "I want the cheeseburger, but you should eat something vegan, darling. Your cholesterol is out of sight."

Milton would say: "Absolutely, sweetheart, I am determined to live long enough to spend all your money."

And he would chuckle and wink at her and she would titter, unaware of the fact that he was dead serious.

How long would it last? Milton, I am sure, would try to make it work. But, I'm not sure about Ackerman. She strikes me as high maintenance, so it would likely be short.

But, those would be glorious weeks for all of us in the media. We miss Milton. We miss Arlene. Please, come back as a team.

And, even if you break up, at least Arlene can say: "Yes, Yes. He was my boyfriend! Just like Frau Blucher did.

-- Tom Ferrick

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