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My Internet Date from Hell

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By Jessica Stennis

You would think a red flag would be recognizable to mostly anyone who's ever been in a relationship, but where's the fun in that?  Within the first few days of me being on the free online dating site I got a message from a user name "FunFitTall".  Those are things I agree with, I think to myself, so I check out his profile.  The first things I notice are the puppy in his picture and the tattoo on his thigh-sized arm, also known as a thigh-sep.  Okay, this isn't too bad so far.  Then I look over and notice he's 32.  A five-year difference is about as far as I can stretch my brain and he is nine years older than me.  I message him: Hey!  You seem pretty interesting from your profile; however I think you're a little old for me.  Sorry and thanks for the interest."

I get an IM back from him.  Since I was new to the site, I didn't even know IM'ing people was possible so I was a little off put at first.  Looking back I should have seen the red flags. Red flag #1: He starts arguing with me about his age and how I shouldn't judge him by that.  In my blind flattery mode I was just excited someone was showing enough interest to ask me to give him a chance.  Red flag #2:  He mentioned his penis within a matter of minutes.  At the time, I saw this as him just joking around and being funny, especially when he uttered the words, "It hurts women." Stupid me.

I was visiting one of my girlfriends at college the following weekend, so we had time to text back and forth while I tried to decide if it was worth going out on a date with this guy.  Then it happened, Red flag#3.  He "sexted" me a picture of his I'm clearly a personal trainer body. Naive, sometimes shallow me figured one date wouldn't kill me.  Don't get me wrong, I see nothing immoral with being a little devilish with a loved one, but not with someone I've known for two whole days.  Either way, I was still functioning under blind flattery.  

In talking before the date, he told me he's not too into drinking.  He then recommended we meet at Chickie & Pete's which I thought was odd because he told me he didn't like bars and didn't seem into sports. So why go to a sports bar?  Whatever, I fought the urge to wear my Phillies jersey. I dressed nice and drove down to meet him.  The parking lot was beyond full so I called him and told him we might have a hard time getting a seat.  One thing led to another and we ended up at the River Deck near my house.  After meeting in person I soon realized why his user name was "FunFitTall" instead of "TallDarkHandsome".

He was about average when it came to looks, but I've never seen a worse dresser in my life.  I don't need my date to show up in a suit. However it's just ugly show up in your gym sneakers. 

Oh well, since I was there, I figured I would talk and find out what he's about.  Maybe he is one of those personality makes him cute kind of guys... it happens.  In between him eating as if he had starved himself for two months, he managed to get a few words out.  He commented on how short our waitress' shorts were, how big some other ladies boobs were. The kicker was that he told me he had been sober for 16 years.  Good for him, I'm a big enough person to applaud that, but not big enough to date that.  I dated two sober people in my life and let's face it, I like to drink and things don't work out.

Thank God his ferocious eating made the date short.  The bill came and it was a total of $11.47.  He didn't move towards his wallet and I didn't know if it was because he was cheap, 32, and still living with his parents, or if he wanted the date to continue.  Either way I didn't want any part of it so I asked, "Do you want like five bucks or something?"  He stuck out his hand.  I couldn't believe it.  I gave him a $5.00, got up from the table and headed for the door hoping I could make it out fast enough before he finished paying.

"Do you want to do something else?"  He caught up.  Damn my heels, this deck, and his giant legs!

"I'm sorry; I actually have to meet a friend to help her with... something." I give him one of those half assed side hugs.  "I'd say thank you for dinner but [insert long pause] yeaaahhh."

I started the date with 45 minutes on my parking mere.  When I reached my car to leave, there we 15 minutes left.  Thirty minutes was my limit with Mr. FunFitTall. 

 

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