By Ariadne DuBois-Hires
He says it's cheating. I disagree. I believe that cheating is something you do that betrays your relationship, something that could tear you both apart. He is straight so, of course. He doesn't understand. He says he does but he couldn't possibly understand.
What I crave is purely sexual never emotional. That's why I tell people I am straight with a lesbian twist. In truth, that is all it is, all it ever was. I do not get my feelings involved. I guess I'm not out for a truly monogamous relationship, but at 23 years old not many people are. I can do things with a woman that I cannot with a man. It's just different with a woman. With a man there is passion because there is love with a woman there is passion because there is understanding. A man can overpower me and capture my attention in ways no woman has yet to achieve.
I am sure there is some woman out there who can do that for me but I want a nuclear family not anything else. I don't want women for the tenderness and the caresses for that I want a man (I know it's backwards.) I can do things with women that men can't possibly fathom; I can stretch my own limits and my own boundaries. With a man I fear being harmed and ashamed.
He says "Well, we can have threesomes then" and I'm thinking "Oh, God no" and I know he is confused. Lost in wonderment "Isn't that the best of both worlds?" I guess you could say so, but I tend to disagree. The places I go with women I can't go in front of him, and I certainly do not know how to explain it. Eventually a threesome is possible, but it will be different...he will be there. I love him wholeheartedly, but I could never be present in a room with him there even with him simply watching. I guess I fear awkwardness. A woman would hold both of our attentions, and we would forget each other for no other reason than that starving need for something else. Perhaps I am the only one who feels it.
I was raised spiritually and not within the confines of a church. My mother is straight, married, and yet she raised me with a village that is made up of so many different members it's no wonder I am confused about my sexuality. I went to church freely, prayed regularly and somehow became a bi-sexual woman who prefers men but has an appetite for the female persuasion unparalleled by my love for men. Perhaps I am just a lesbian in straight women's clothing pretending, but this is not how I feel. For relationships I turn to men, for friendships I turn to men, for sex I turn to women and for once in my life I am faced with pure, unadulterated, monogamy. He says, "You asked for this." I did and I regret it, but what was I to do? Allow him to sleep with a different woman every night? Allow him to give them my time, my words, my feelings?
I can go online, place a brief phone call, go outside and find a woman, any woman and without many words I can have sex with or without her help and make my way home in time to cook dinner before he returns from work. He has lost no time, no amenity and has no knowledge. He, on the other hand, has to find the right woman, talk her into casual sex, whisper sweet nothings, fill her with false promises and remember to bring a condom. Everything is different, he gives away everything and I give away nothing. He says "Maybe I'm selfish, but I want you to myself." I nod my head in agreement; there is nothing further to say. We are both being selfish, for different reasons, and still I feel like I give away nothing while he would be giving away everything of importance for me. If it was the same and he could simply say a word, throw a smile, be in and out, maybe I wouldn't care. It's the words though. The words he would be giving away, my words, my love. Sex is inconsequential, words are power though. Love is special. He would give away my love if I let him do what I want to do. So instead I remain silent and hope that someday, someone won't make me feel threatened and will satisfy my needs and his and we won't ever have to have that conversation again.
He says, "You asked for this." I say, "You are right."